Gone

I watched as the hearse pulled up to the house across the street.  Out came a gurney with a body draped in a white sheet.

I had noticed a lot of activity throughout Christmas week and had hoped that my neighbors were having a nice family holiday.

Thinking back now, I should have seen the signs.  The kids and grandkids had been there much more than usual.  And there was an excessive number of strangers coming and going, carrying what sometimes seemed like medical supplies.

They were my age, so I thought perhaps one of them wasn’t well but I didn’t think the worst, until the hearse arrived…  He was gone.

 

Christmas Magic

 It was just a few weeks until Christmas and I could hardly wait.

We had moved into our beautiful new house, and I had my very own bedroom.  No more sharing with my annoying younger brother.

Mom was busy decorating and getting ready for the holiday.  I’m not sure I had ever seen her so happy.  She finally met someone who treated her well and even liked us kids too. 

Buzz was a kind man, quiet and gentle with a warm smile.  Walking in with his dusty work boots, exhausted from work, he was never too tired to pick me up and give me a huge bear hug.

We were living a life I could never have imagined.  There was so much food in the house we had to put another refrigerator on the back porch.  We didn’t have to worry about moving in the middle of the night because we couldn’t pay the rent.  Life was very good.

“You are not going to start another project this close to Christmas.” I heard my mom telling Buzz.

He was always working on something.  He built a new patio with a rock garden for mom in the summer and a mini playhouse for me and my brother.

Despite her protests, he began working.  

It was unusual for him to be doing it inside, but it was winter, so I didn’t think much of it. 

Mom was beside herself with the mess.  She had worked so hard to clean and decorate the house.  He had even pushed the Christmas tree off into the corner.

I was surprised and confused when I came home from school and saw that he was actually tearing down the living room wall. 

He and mom almost never argued but this was different.  There were pieces of wood and sheet rock everywhere.  I was happy I had a room to go to where I could stay away from it all.

As the days passed, mom accepted that this was going to happen whether she liked it or not. 

Just a couple of days until Christmas now and I was more excited than ever.  This was our first Christmas in the new house.

Behind the canvas tarps, Buzz worked away, he looked like the Wizard of Oz behind the curtain.

He even enlisted my brother to help with his “secret project”.

I was a little jealous that I wasn’t included but I kept myself busy playing with my dolls and reading in my room.

Finally, it was Christmas eve.  I knew this year would be special, but I had no idea how much. 

After dinner, mom sent me and my brother to our rooms.  “We have something to do before Santa comes, so you have to stay there until we tell you to come out,” she instructed. “And no peeking,” she nodded to my brother.

Presents, it must be our presents we both thought. 

When she opened the door, she told me to close my eyes.  Gently guiding me, we walked into the front room. 

When I opened my eyes, I saw the most incredible fireplace I had ever seen.  

That is what Buzz had been working on.  Whoever had lived there before had covered up the fireplace with a wall.

It looked like something out of a fairy tale – the fire was glowing with twinkles of light reflecting on the hearth.

Under the tree were two boxes, one for me and one for my brother. 

We didn’t usually get to open any gifts before Christmas morning, so this was another unexpected surprise. 

My box was not wrapped, so it was easy to just open the top.  As I did, up popped the most beautiful little gray kitten in the world.  

Immediately I began to cry, as I carefully lifted her out of the box.

“Is she really for me?” I asked in disbelief, petting her gently. "I think I'll call her Thumbelina because she's so tiny," I said.

My brother grinned at me and began opening his package.  It was a toolbox with real tools to build things, he was thrilled.

Mom smiled and watched quietly as we laughed and played.  Buzz reached down from his rocking chair and lifted me, still holding the kitten, into his lap.

It was truly a magical Christmas.

Finding the Path with a Heart

As we age, it becomes apparent that we must create new lives.  We ask ourselves should we change careers, begin retirement, travel, downsize or stay where we are?  

What often comes with that are the fears associated with making those choices.  We begin to worry about money, our family, our health, where we should live, should we settle down or roam the world.  

When we were raising our families, those decisions seemed to be made for us - we must keep a job, take care of the children with all of the responsibility that entails.  There was very little free time and what there was usually consisted of weekends or once a year family vacation and then back to the routine.

Now, in our 60s we have to make a conscious choice about what we want in our lives. 

Our work is not to make something happen but to learn how to let it reveal itself.  It is that time in our lives when we have the opportunity to allow the soft flowing of events to become clear to us and then follow the path that has the most meaning in our lives. 

It can be very easy to remain in our old patterns, letting familiar circumstances drive our daily lives.  

If we look more closely, we realize that we are entering a brand-new chapter and are being given a tremendous gift.  The possibility, maybe for the first time, to do something just for ourselves. 

For many of us, as this realization sinks in, we employ the same principles of how to get things done – we take action.  

What is really ironic about this concept, is that the harder we try to make anything happen the less likely it is to turn out in a way that is pleasing to us.

If we can learn to let go, we will discover things that we never thought possible.  

Letting go is much easier said than done.  We are taught our entire lives that we must work and struggle in order to get things accomplished.  

That hard work is the only way to achieve the results we desire.  Always trying to control external circumstances is exhausting and, in the end, never really possible.

We cannot control anything outside of our own self so that is where the work must be done.

That is why so many spiritual teachers advocate practices like Meditation, Mindfulness, Yoga, Prayer and Journaling.  

Anything that allows our conscious mind to relax and release resistance will provide benefits in all areas of our lives.  

Just like any other skill, we must learn to develop techniques that work for us.  This is not a one-size fits all solution so we must do what feels right for us personally.

It doesn’t matter where you start, you just have to begin. 

Like everything else, it is very easy to approach this as something else to manage or control.  Trying to unlearn that is the most difficult thing I will ever do in my life. 

Even now, after many years of practicing many aspects of letting go or allowing, I find myself slipping back into my old habits.  It is important for me to do something each day, even for just a few minutes, to reclaim my balance and continue forward. 

What works best for me is to keep it simple and find those things that bring me joy.  

Sometimes it is writing in my journal or going for a walk.  Other days it is playing with my grandchildren or planning a trip to some faraway place.  It really doesn’t matter what it is, all that matters is that you find ways to release the anxiety and tension so that you can learn to experience the peace that comes from just being in the world.

With that peace comes an unfolding of events that we never could have planned.  Bringing to us those very things we thought we had to chase after.  

It is ultimately more satisfying to have everything we desire come to us in the perfect way and at the perfect time than to try to manipulate or coerce it. 

For me, appreciation is a key factor in everything I do.  I am grateful for what I already have in my life and look forward to whatever new surprise is on the horizon.  

I always trust that something wonderful is about to happen and my only job is to relax and enjoy it. 

Published on Sixty and Me

The Stanley Hotel - A True Ghost Story

It was a lovely spring day, and my friend was coming to Colorado for a visit.  We decided to go to Estes Park for the weekend. 

 
We talked as we drove up the mountain and he asked if this was where “The Shining” was filmed.  I told him I wasn't sure, but I thought it might be. 

It was a glorious day - blue sky, beautiful scenery, and the perfect way to begin our trip.

As we approached the overlook of Estes Park with the Rocky Mountains rising in the background, it was truly a spectacular sight.

We drove toward town and noticed a striking white building up on the hill.  Neither of us knew what it was, so we decided to investigate.  

Driving closer, we marveled at the perfectly manicured grounds and then saw the sign that read - The Stanley Hotel.

We agreed that we had to see it but were sure that it would be too expensive to stay there.

As we entered the property, the massive white gates opened to a large outdoor patio.  Inside, the lobby was beautifully decorated with big leather chairs surrounding several huge stone fireplaces.  Antique tables with fresh flowers brightened every corner, it was warm and inviting.  

We inquired about the rates and were surprised that they were offering a special price for the night, so we decided to stay.  

After checking in, the desk clerk informed us that the hotel was haunted and that they had ghost tours in the basement after dark.  We thought it was amusing and a good tourist attraction but declined.

Climbing the stairs, we noticed the air changing, it became heavy and dense.  The brightness of the lobby faded as we walked toward our room.  

When we opened the door, we were immediately struck with the closeness of the space.  Not only was it very small but there didn't seem to be any air circulating at all.  

We knew that this would not be comfortable and asked to change rooms.  They moved us to a large, beautifully appointed suite with a great view of the mountains. 

We enjoyed a luxurious meal downstairs at the restaurant and continued to marvel at the wonderful surroundings.  We planned on going into town later and do some sightseeing, but we never left the hotel.  

Throughout the evening, several people approached me saying I looked like someone they knew.  

When I went downstairs to the restroom, I felt a chill in the air.  The entire time I was there I felt as though I was being watched, it made me very uneasy, and I hurried back to our table.  

My friend laughed when I told him and reminded me about the ghost tours.  I thought it was funny, and quickly put it out of my mind.  

It was getting late, so we decided to go back up to the room.  As we sat and talked, I felt a sudden draft of cold air and looked to see where it was coming from.  

I was shocked when I saw an apparition of a man step through the doorway of the bathroom and disappear.  

Before I could react, my friend asked if there was someone behind him.  Standing over his shoulder I could see the faint outline of a young girl.  We both were stunned, not sure what was happening.  

Slowly we began to speak, this felt like a child’s spirit nothing malevolent, but terrifying just the same.

Suddenly, the energy changed dramatically.  The room filled with cold air and a bright light flashed across the wall and splashed on the bureau mirror.  It felt as though dozens of very angry people were trying to get into the room. 

We were both in shock at what we were seeing and feeling.  It was 2:00 a.m. and checking out in the middle of the night seemed strange, but we could not stay any longer.

It was a relief to see the friendly night clerk at the desk. 
 
When we told her what happened, she said that it was a regular occurrence because the hotel really was haunted.  She had seen some extraordinary things herself. 

We talked to her for some time, hoping to calm down before driving home.  

She said she was not surprised that I had a bad experience.  She told me that I looked very much like a woman from the hotel who passed away many years ago.  
 
We drove back down the mountain in silence.  Years later, I still think about what we encountered in that strange and dark place.  
 
I have never returned to the Stanley or to Estes Park.
 

Opportunities

The great American anthropologist Margaret Mead said, “We are continually faced with great opportunities which are brilliantly disguised as unsolvable problems.”

That is the philosophy that I embraced as a child. From a very early age I understood that even if they were less desirable, there were always options.

Whenever I find myself feeling limited or restricted, I think back to some of the defining moments in my life. 

During those times I needed so desperately to have some hope of escaping what was happening that I would create every possible scenario I could think of. 

Truly, some were very unrealistic, but it did not matter, everything got equal consideration.

Then I would sort out what seemed to be the most reasonable course of action and always trusted my heart to guide me.  I knew how I was feeling could not be wrong. 

That brought me to where I am today, trusting and believing that anything and everything is possible.

Happy Accidents

I've written about this many times before, but it is something I appreciate even more as time goes on.

I absolutely believe that what seems to be a bad experience can truly be a blessing in disguise or what I like to call a happy accident.  

This year has been full of opportunities to find the good in even the most trying of circumstances.

Everything from having a serious health condition discovered during a hospital visit for something completely unrelated, to a severe hailstorm that uncovered a much larger issue with my roof.  Both of which can now be easily managed and/or resolved without further damage.

Honestly, when things like that first occur, I feel frustrated and vulnerable.  But as soon as I can begin to look at the situation a little differently, I can see that there is a positive aspect to whatever has happened.  

Not only does it make me feel better, but the solution comes much quicker.  I often forget that the best answer will present itself when I can release the negativity that I am feeling.

Somehow, it is easier to think of the worst-case scenario instead of letting the universe surprise and delight me.  

Albert Einstein said it best - "There are only two ways to live your life.  One is as though nothing is a miracle.  The other is as though everything is a miracle."  

Gratitude and Appreciation

We've all heard it many times and many different ways during our lives. Count your blessings, give thanks, feel lucky for what you have, think of people who don’t have as much.  We understand the words, but seldom do we stop to think what they really mean.   

I'm not sure exactly when it occurred to me, but one day, I began to really understand what it means to be truly grateful.  Not just for the good things but for everything. 

When I started looking at my life in a new way it was very revealing.  As much as I thought I had been a grateful person, I realized I had been taking a lot for granted.  Not just the big things, but all of the small, seeming insignificant things that make up my life.

I started focusing on very specific things to appreciate, like my morning cup of coffee.  I wondered, what did it take for me to enjoy that simple pleasure?  

It had to be grown, picked, processed, distributed etc. by others who made it possible for me to sit at my kitchen table with little to no effort on my part.

Pouring a glass of clean water, sleeping in a comfortable bed, turning on the lights - the list goes on forever.  There is so much to appreciate and be grateful for.

What about when things go wrong?

The big shift occurred for me when I began to see problems as opportunities.  Something that would have upset me in the past, like an issue at work or something going wrong with my vehicle, became a challenge for me to find the best in the situation.

This was when I had to be more general and not so specific.  I was happy to have a job or a car, I felt fortunate to have the resources and ability to figure it out.  

I applied this philosophy to everything I could think of.  If it was a good experience, I thought about how much I appreciated having it.  When it didn’t feel so good, I thought about how grateful I was for the lesson and what positive aspects of it I could find. 

In the beginning it was a little difficult to always find the silver lining but with practice it became easier, and I’ve learned that even when I slip back into my old habits, I can quickly recover by simply remembering all that I have to be grateful for. 

Keep Your Head Low

We are bombarded with negative sights, sounds and images at an alarming rate.  This definitely falls under the category of easier said than done, but it is critical to find a way to navigate through this minefield.

Avoid being in the line of fire as much as possible.

If we can try to minimize, or at least limit, some of our exposure to those outside influences we will have a much better chance at keeping our thoughts in a better feeling place.

Excerpt from - Keep Your Vibration High and Your Head Low 

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It's the Little Things

I have been traveling for 6 months now and I am always amazed and delighted by the wonderful people that I meet along the way.  

Today as I went out for a few errands, I encountered many who were just going about their day.  Most were in a rush and not particularly pleasant, one was very rude.

When I arrived back at the hotel, I asked the housekeeper for some coffee to take back to my room.  She was so helpful and polite I wanted to give her a small tip.  

Inadvertently, instead of giving her two single dollars, I gave her a twenty-dollar bill and a single.  

I paused for a moment before realizing that not only did she deserve it, but I hoped it would be a nice surprise when she sees it later.

Here in the US, wages for service workers are abysmally low.  Honestly, anyone who will clean up after me deserves more than I can give them.

I hope she remembers the gesture but not my room, I want her to be able to accept this very small token of my appreciation for all that she does.

30 Day Reboot

It’s that time of year again.  The time when I begin to feel a bit restless and in need of a change.  I don’t feel stuck, just a little less interested in my usual routine.

Time passes so quickly that I forget to stop and reassess where I want to be.  All of those things that I thought about doing so many months ago, but never did, now don’t feel so important or interesting.

Being retired, I don’t have the commitment of work and yet my life is full and busy and for that I am grateful.  Now, I am ready for something new.

Time for a Change

I have to be careful when I’m feeling this way as I have a tendency to make radical changes, like moving houses or even leaving the country.  I don’t need to go to that extent if I can just find some new ways to revitalize my outlook.

What I have learned is that all change actually happens from within and that is where I need to start.  So, I have created a personal challenge that will help me to reset my perspective and allow some fresh ideas to surface.

Be Easy About It

What I am looking for is a gentle shift, not a huge leap.  Some way of opening up to some new things without having to throw out the old. 

One thing I will do more of is meditate.  Spending just 10 minutes a day, sitting quietly is so simple that I forget how much power there is in reconnecting with my spirit.

When I do that, it seems that I feel lighter, and more creative ideas come to me. 

Do What You Love

Something that never fails to soothe my soul is to go out in nature.  No matter what the weather is, I always love just walking in a park.  I go during off hours so I can be alone and just experience the peace.

 
This year, I started a small vegetable garden.  It has been so satisfying to care for the plants and watch them grow.  It is a lovely reminder of the cycle of life.

Have Fun

Part of the process for me is to remember to have more fun.  I have always been a very serious person so light-hearted fun is pure joy when I can let myself feel it.

Over the years, I have found that I enjoy many things but don’t often incorporate them into my daily life. 

Whether it is turning up the music and dancing while I’m cleaning house or cooking some new exotic dish, it doesn’t matter.  Just being playful is key to feeling happy.
 
Minimize Negative Influence

It is helpful for me to reduce outside interference in order to make sustainable changes. 

The big one for me is my phone.  I live alone so it is easy for that to be my biggest connection with the outside world, but it has become less of a tool for communicating and more of a time warp of senseless activity.  I catch myself scrolling through a flood of information that I don’t want or need in my life.

I remember when a phone was just a phone, not a mini-computer.

Television is another intrusion that I allow far too often.  I don’t need the constant input of bad news and excessive advertising. 

Maximize the Positive

It is easy to go through the day without stopping to think about how I am really feeling.  Every day there is an opportunity for me to look for the best things in the world around me. 

Something as simple as a friendly check-out clerk at the store or a lovely yellow butterfly on the bush in my yard.  Life is as wonderful as we let it be.

Many years ago, Bing Crosby sang “Accentuate the Positive – Eliminate the Negative”, that is my new mantra.

I can’t wait to see what delightful things I will discover on this new journey.
 
Do you feel a need for change at different times of the year?  What do you do when you are craving something new?  Share your stories and join the conversation.

Published on Published on Sixty and Me

Baking Bread and Setting Boundaries

I was grateful to be in the process of making bread when I received her text message.  She wanted to talk.  What about?  I had no idea, and after a year of not speaking, I felt sick to my stomach even thinking about it.

Kneading the dough, squishing, and pounding helped to relieve a little of the anxiety I was feeling about even hearing her voice.

 
Our last conversation had disintegrated into a full nuclear meltdown.  Full of so much ugliness and rage that I had no desire to speak to her and honestly did not know when I would.

She is my 50-year-old daughter, born when I was just 15 years old.  The amount of pain and anguish I went through to bring her into the world was enough to convince me that it would never be possible for me not to want her in my life – I was wrong.

Beating the dough harder, I thought of all the things I would like to say to her, but I knew she was probably not ready to hear any of them.

She loves confrontation and arguing, and she is very good at it.  Me – not so much.  It takes me back to when I was married to her father.

 
He was a jealous, controlling, abusive man.  I never knew what was going to set him off, so I worked very hard to avoid doing anything that I thought might upset him. 

The truth is, he never needed a reason.  He was so angry that he had been forced to marry me and blamed me for ruining his life.   

 
His mother was a kind and loving woman and I clung to her for whatever comfort I could find.

My mother was so disappointed in me that we barely spoke.  She lived close by but rarely came to visit.

Now, I felt the same judgement and coldness from my own daughter. 

I sent a message back that I could talk between 12:00 – 12:30, during my lunch break if that was a good time for her.  I thought setting a time limit would help to keep the conversation from going off the rails.

What I didn’t want was to cause any additional injury to this already damaged relationship.

It was 12:20 when she rang.  I was nervous but decided I would stick to my timeframe.  I began by telling her, I only had 10 minutes to talk so she would know that I needed to keep our conversation short.

She was calling to ask, in the event of my death, what my final wishes were.  A friend’s mother had passed unexpectedly, and she realized that she had no idea what I would want.

 
It was all very matter-of-fact and detached.  She went on to say that as the eldest, she expected to have to make some of those decisions.  I was taken aback, especially considering the current state of our relationship, and very happy that I had set the time limit.

She always has a way of catching me off guard and then when she doesn’t like my response an argument ensues. 

With less than 5 minutes left, I was able to think of the most appropriate response without getting emotional. 

I told her I had already taken care of my will and legal power of attorney in the event of any incapacity or death and would send her a copy.

Mercifully, the timer for my bread went off and our time was up.

I ended the call by telling her that I loved her and the children.  Honest, civil, and respectful.  I felt relieved and grateful that we could even speak for a few minutes without upsetting each other.

Just like not letting the bread dough rise too long, setting that simple boundary produced a better outcome that we have had in years.

Going forward, I will do more of this to maintain peacefulness in my life.
 
What have you learned late in life that has served you well?  Were there interpersonal relationships that felt out of control that you wish you could change?  Share your stories with the community!

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Begin Again

Today I will start anew.  

Full of love and hope for a better tomorrow.  

A day that will bring justice and equality for all.  

A new beginning for a future we can all believe in. 

The Beginning – 

As I begin this journey of mine,

I will loosen my laces and remove my boots,

to protect me from absolutely nothing.

Crossing over into a world of color.

 - Michele Ledoux

Rollercoasters

I used to love to ride Rollercoasters, with all of the drama and excitement it felt like my life playing out at the amusement park.  

The never-ending series of ups and downs and twists and turns that left me dizzy from all the motion. 

Now, I prefer a peaceful ride on the Ferris Wheel, still moving but at a lovely pace and away from the chaos. 

Set Your Intention

I have learned that I must set an intention for what I want in my life, right now and in the future. 

This is not about wishing and hoping for something that is out of my control.  

I have the ability to focus my thoughts and energy in a way that moves me closer to my desire.   

Wanderlust

There is nothing that spurs my wanderlust more than not being able to travel. 

I love being free to just pick up and go whenever I want.

This year will prove to be a little tricker, but I have no doubt I will manage to make it happen.

My list of the yet to be discovered is growing by the day and I can't wait to explore those fantastic new horizons!

Pure Silence

There have only been a few times in my life that I have experienced true peace and tranquility.  

The first time I really noticed it was while paragliding in Mexico.  I was a little nervous at first but when the wind caught the chute and took me up into the air, all my fear faded away.  

I was overcome with the beauty and silence as I floated above the water.

Homeplace

Explore the world, travel near and far until you find the homeplace of your heart. 

A Gentle Path

My journey is shifting yet again, this time it is a peaceful and easy change. 

What started out as a rocky and steep climb has evolved into a beautiful, scenic walk.  

The further I move along this road the more I realize that I do not need to struggle with the obstacles in my way.  

I just need to go around them to stay on that lovely, gentle path.

Obstacle or Opportunity

When an unexpected, seemingly difficult, situation arises it is easy to think about the worst-case scenario.  

Quickly my mind goes into fight or flight mode, and I struggle to find a solution that will distance me from the issue.

Unless I'm being chased by a bear, this is usually an overreaction, but it doesn't feel that way at the time.

What I have to do is slow down and remember that every obstacle provides an opportunity for something new.

It may be how I am thinking or feeling about the circumstances or perhaps it is to guide me in a better direction.  

My challenge is to try to find the path of least resistance and remember that it will all work out just as it needs to. 

See the Beauty

There is more than enough seriousness to go around.  If I pay too much attention to it, it takes over my life. 

It is an ongoing lesson for me to look for all that is good in the world and there is a lot of it.

When I can do that, everything feels brighter, and I can see the beauty beyond the dark clouds.

"It's not what you look at that matters, it is what you see" - Henry David Thoreau

Feel Good

It's easy to think happy thoughts when we are feeling good, not so much when we aren't.  That is why it is important to develop a practice or something that will help to carry us through until we are feeling better.

One of my favorite quotes from Abraham Hicks is "You never get it done and you can't get it wrong."

No matter what is happening, life is always changing.  

I used to think that I had to work hard to eliminate unwanted things from my life.  What I am learning is that it is much easier to simply replace them with something, anything, that feels just a little bit better.

It doesn't take much to change the direction of your life, just consistently pay attention to how you feel and do more of anything that feels good.  

Something as simple as a casual walk can produce more positive results than furiously trying to get something done.

Be kind to yourself!

Something Wonderful

Many years ago, I was working at a very challenging job and desperately needed to find some peace.

I understood that what I was going through would not last and that it would all work out but remembering that was easier said than done.

One morning, before going to work, I jotted down a little note and tucked it away in my purse.

Every so often I still come across it and it makes me smile to see the perfect message to myself.

 

Day 1 - New Year

With a new year, fresh start and new beginnings - all things are possible. 

I don't make resolutions, but I do like to set intentions.

This year I want to broaden my scope and clear some space for something new.

I am ready to trade the rituals and traditions that have served me so well in the past for a future that is unknown and limitless.

Now, I feel the need to explore in a way that I never have before.

Not just in the world, but within myself.

Wishing you a New Year filled with love and joy!